Dear Person Who is Stealing My Packages,
Hello, this is the person whose packages you have been stealing from outside my apartment. You know the one: I always have the nice, handmade, seasonally-appropriate wreath on my door. Your illegal antics started last Christmas with the radar detector I bought for T. I gave you the benefit of the doubt and blamed UPS. I even called UPS and gave them a piece of my mind. But then another package disappeared, this time it had season 2 of Mad Men in it. And then another, with my sister’s birthday gift in it. So I contacted the postal service and told them not to leave packages at my door anymore. They were very accommodating, so I placed an order. This time for my mom’s birthday gift, and a Christmas gift for my new nephew. And when the postal service messed up and left the package at my door, you preyed on me again. So now I have to call Amazon. Again. And tell them that my package was stolen. Again. By you.
We all know that stealing is dishonest and deceitful and just plain…shitty. But I’m not only missing T’s radar detector, and Mad Men, and a couple of books, and a coffee press. When you took those things from me you also took my sense of security. Because you’re stealing from right outside my door. Basically from my home, from the place that I go to feel safe, to escape from the big, bad world. Now I know that the people who make the big, bad world the big, bad world are right outside my door. So thanks a lot. You have the stuff that I bought, and you also have me looking over my shoulder and double checking that my door is locked. Oh, and by the way, I’m getting renter’s insurance now, because I’m scared that someday you might actually break in to my apartment. I probably should have had it anyway, but if there weren’t people like you in the world, no one would have to be spending an extra $25-30 per month that they could otherwise have been saving or spending on stuff they actually want. I hope you’re happy, and enjoying the coffee that you’re now able to make with your new coffee press. That I paid for.